Carrying Over a Rut

A new year, a new you. Right? Isn’t that what all the marketing is telling us? I am so very over New Year’s resolutions. The freedom from this particular pressure is a welcome relief but I can’t help but think it may also be a missed opportunity. You see, I think I may be in a bit of a rut. I made a lot of changes a few years ago that left me feeling invigorated and fresh. New job, new apartment, new friends, new hangouts, new hobbies. However, all of these changes are now my new norm and that excited, anything-can-happen feeling is lost. New has become routine and now I feel something needs to shake me up. Yes, something needs to shake me up. I’m tired of doing the shaking and I’m trying to give the universe a chance to do it. But here’s the honest truth: I don’t trust the universe. I like to think I do but I don’t. Right now I feel like I’m stuck in a muddy swamp, knee-deep in shit waiting for the sight of a shoreline or some friendly stranger in one of those boats with the fans on it to come scoop me up and take me somewhere better. My feet feel heavy.

Now I know this sounds melodramatic. I have a perfectly stable job, enough resources to get by, friends and family I love, etc. And I am very grateful for them. However, everyone of us yearns for something more every once in a while, if not ALL the time. That old “grass is always greener on the other side” couldn’t ring more true to me right now. It’s not that anything in my life in particular is dreadful, but things could definitely be betterĀ in my opinion. Yes, being happy with where you are on your journey and all that other self help talk has truth to it. However, I often think that if I’m not the one driving myself forward, usually pretty forcefully, that I will fall behind. Behind what exactly? I’m not quite sure, but I’m convinced that if I do fall behind then things will go south fast.

I know intellectually that newness always wears off. Nothing stays sparkly forever. Deterioration is natural for nature, for relationships, for people. Change is something I’ve never been too fond of. Over the past few years I have grown warm to it and even welcomed its uneasiness in my stomach along with the butterflies of excitement. This is what I’m craving now and I’m wondering where it should come from. Is it changing apartments, moving to a new city, getting a different job, a new relationship, a new adventure? I’m not sure. Like I said, I’m trying to let the universe unfold it for me and take some of the pressure off. I have learned that things that are forced are not always best. You give off that ever so putrid stench of desperation. Everyone and everything can smell it.

I’m making an effort to relax into this feeling. While I continue to plan for the future, I am allowing myself to enjoy this part of the journey. The time before the next big change. I can feel that something is coming and I’m excited to know what it is.