Some thoughts swirling around my head lately…

Do you ever feel like there must have been somewhere in your life where you went wrong? There has to be some reason why you ended up this way. In this way you didn’t think and didn’t want your life to become. When did you decide that it was all right to go down this path? There was some point along the way when the fear and the terror and the pain and the heartache was too much and you decided that to shirk away was the easiest, the only comfortable, the only reasonable solution at the time. There was no strength in you to do anything different. There were other options out there, sure. The thing is, they didn’t seem like options at the time. All you could see was there was comfort in running away, in hiding. It was the only way you thought you could survive, the only way if you were going to go on living. The other option was death. Death of yourself. Death of the you that you know. Death of that part of you that you see when you look in the mirror, the part you recognize. Then you decide that the you that is looking back at you isn’t the person you ever wanted to be. You let yourself make decisions that you never thought you would make in a million years. You let yourself get away with things you wouldn’t have imagined in your wildest childhood fantasies. Some of these things are miraculous, most of them mundane and not so remarkable. Or are they? Is making it this far the real remarkable feat? Even if you did hide away, are you brave enough to realize it? You want to live your life. The life you imagined. You’ve dug yourself into this hole and it feels like so many years have gone by and you haven’t even noticed. What have you to show for them? Have you really changed at all? A great measure is needed to live your life, to be able to move forward anymore. A tidal shift has to occur. But you are afraid if you are ready for it. You didn’t seem to be ready for it before. What makes now any different? How many times have you tried? The many times you called it trying and gave a half-assed effort at making things different. Anything different. Always failing but not in any real way because you never stuck yourself out there. You never became fully vulnerable. You never stuck your neck out far enough where you couldn’t jerk it back in a second’s notice. Sure, there is bravery in that. But those are only the first steps. It is time to put it all on the line. Time to stick your neck out and let it get chopped off if it’s going to. Stop jerking back. Getting your head cut off is the worst that could happen. What would be left? Would you be any more damaged than you have made yourself? Stop fearing the death of yourself. Stop thinking that it will be your demise. It has to be your death, but it will also be your rebirth.

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